6 Weeks

Hi Sweetie,

I'm missing you today. Like every other day, I'm missing you. You've been away from me for 6 weeks already. It's been 6 weeks since I felt you kick and move around. It's been 6 weeks since I smiled in anticipation of your arrival. It's been 6 weeks since I felt the fear of going into surgery, knowing I might not wake up with you in my arms. I'm so grateful that I had time in the hospital with you. I cherish every second that I had holding you, kissing you, studying your sweet, perfect body. But every Saturday marks another week. Another week has gone by that I haven't kissed you or held you or rocked you like a Mommy should.

It feels like the weeks have passed so quickly. I wish time would slow down so that I could stay a little closer to you. I know that seems strange because I know you're in Heaven with Jesus and I'm actually getting closer to you every day.

Daddy went back to work a few weeks ago. Our friends have been so nice in coming to visit me while he's at work and spending time with us on the weekends when he's home too. And so many people have given us meals to eat, so we don't have to worry about that right now. While Daddy has been at work, I've tried to put together a few photo books with pictures of you to give to our families. I've found several other blogs to read and have learned about other families who have sons and daughters in Heaven, maybe you've already met some of those little ones!

The days just pass by. It all feels so wrong, Garren. We shouldn't have people bringing meals. We shouldn't have visitors coming to help us grieve. We shouldn't have books about grieving sitting in our living room, on our coffee table. I shouldn't have a stack of 'thank you' notes to write to people who've done so much for us - from the hospital staff, to our church, our family, our friends, people we've never met who've reached out to us and everyone in between. I shouldn't be making photo books of your pictures - the finite number of pictures we have of you. The books should be of your 1 month, 2 month, 3 month pictures as you grow. Your room shouldn't be clean. The house shouldn't be quiet. I shouldn't be doing laundry only once a week. I shouldn't find myself telling people we had a good day, and in the same sentence mention that we visited your cemetary and got information on ordering a marker for you. It feels so wrong.

I'm grateful beyond words for everything people are doing for us. But I just wish they didn't have to.

Rusty has been the sweetest thing since you've been gone. He always loved snuggling with us when you were here with me, but now he snuggles with me a little longer when he knows I'm feeling extra sad. I think he misses you too. He would have loved to have you chase him around the yard when you learned to walk and then run. I hope you have some doggies to play with in Heaven. Maybe Lady and Tramp and Trixie are there with you. It might seem silly Garren, but I really hope so.

I just wanted to tell you what we've been up to for the last few weeks. Not much really. We've just been missing you and somehow in the midst of that, the days go by. I wish with everything I am that you were here. I love you so much Garren! I miss you! See you later, alligator.....

Love You Forever,
Mommy

P.S. Will you ask God to show me that He's here? I'm having trouble seeing Him today.