Surrender

Dear Lord,

I haven't written to you in a while. I wish I could say that my actual prayer life was much different than these letters. It used to be. I used to have days when I would talk with you all day throughout the day and usually have a committed time of prayer stuck into my day somewhere. I wish I could tell you I got busy, just too busy to pray. I wish I could tell you I've just plain forgotten to pray. But I've been angry. So angry. So disappointed. So confused. So lost in the promises of your Word. I've been so angry that I'd chosen not to pray. I stopped praying when the prayers I prayed for a young girl's physical healing were answered completely opposite of what I prayed. Those prayers ended in taking her to Heaven. Just like Garren. Just like so many other babies and young children. I got so frustrated that you didn't answer those prayers. And I know that "No" is an answer. But why didn't you answer any of my desperate cries or the cries of other moms and dads to save our children with a "Yes?"

For my good and for Your glory....

I know, Lord. But why couldn't you have shown your glory in miraculously saving the lives of so many children? Why couldn't you have saved Garren and grown him into an incredibly godly man for you, to glorify you in his life by standing tall in such a dark, fallen world? Wouldn't you be glorified in that?

And none of this feels like it's for my good. I know that you are my Father and you do know what is best for me. I would have said that to Garren a thousand times as he grew up. I would have taught him what is right, even when he didn't like it, because I would know it's for his good.

Lord, let this be for my good. Even saying that feels so wrong. Any "good" that comes from losing Garren will never, ever justify losing him. I never want to say that there will be a reason good enough to be worth his life. But in the midst of this, would you bring good? Please Lord. Let me see the good. The beauty out of these ashes. Not to justify Garren's life, but to honor his life.

And Lord, be glorified in this. I don't understand why you didn't answer our prayers with "yes." I don't like that you didn't answer with "yes." But please be glorified. In saying that, I'm surrendering the doubt that's gripping my heart and the bitterness that's beginning to take root there. I know I'm going to need to say it to you over and over and over again. Because frankly, I want to think that I know best. I know that doesn't surprise you, Lord. In my heart I truly trust you, but in my selfishness and sinfulness I want to make the decisions. Even as I write that I know how childish that sounds. And I know how awful my life would be if I made the decisions. You do know best. Help me to trust that. Help me to trust you. Lord forgive me for my sinfulness and teach me to be satisfied knowing that you have all the answers, and I don't have to. Teach me to search long and hard for truths in your Word. And teach me to be okay with not having the answers to all the tough questions until we meet face to face. Teach me to pray again. And Lord, be glorified.

Will you hold Garren today and give him a kiss from me? Please tell him I wish we could be taking his 3 month picture today and marveling at how much he's grown. Please let him see how much I love him. Lord, let my heart never stop aching for him. Jay has such a great way of putting it. We want to heal, but we want a scar that will never go away. A scar that will be seen and felt forever. As painful as this journey is, I'm so grateful for the time we had with Garren. Thank you for entrusting him to us. He is such an incredible gift.

Lord, there is still so much pain in my heart and such a tendancy to doubt your love and your promises. Please hold me close and remind me of your love. Please remind me over and over and over again. "Prone to wander, Lord I feel it. Prone to leave the God I love. Here's my heart, Lord. Take and seal it. Seal it for Thy courts above."

Your Child,
Andrea