Loving You

To My Precious Garren,

For two years I've known about you. Every day for two years, I have thought about you. Every day for two years I have longed to see you - alive and healthy. First, an eager longing, waiting for your grand arrival into the world. In a millisecond that eager longing changed. Drastically. The longing became a heart-wrenching ache. The ache is still here. The longing is still here.

I  long to hold you. I long to kiss you. I long to hear your voice - the one that would giggle, or squeal, or scream, or cry. The little-boy voice that might be  jabbering, practicing and learning new words every day. I long to give you butterfly kisses and imagine butterfly kisses from you as you grow up - with those long eyelashes, just like Daddy's. I long to see the sparkle in your blue eyes - those eyes that I will see for the first time on the day I get to heaven. I long to tickle your toes - those long toes, just like mine. I long to chase you around a playground and take walks with you in the stroller. I long to see you sitting at the dinner table with us, trying new and exciting foods for the first time and even making a mess of it all and then wiping your sticky hands and face when you're all done. I long to walk into your room, see you standing in you crib, smiling at me in the morning. I long to walk into your room, see you sleeping peacefully in your footie pajamas. I long to read stories to you and sing songs with you. I long to play with you and teach you new things. I long to tell you that I love you and hold you while I say it.

I've loved you for a long time, Garren. Longer than the 16 months and 18 days since you were here. And longer than the two full years since I learned that you were joining our family. My heart has always loved you, Garren. And it always, always will.

It's been two years of knowing you, and already a lifetime of loving you.

I miss you so much.

Love,
Mommy