It's been just over 5 months since Garren died. 22 weeks today, to be exact. I can't believe the time has been going so quickly. I've been reflecting a little bit lately on what grief has looked like over 5 months time. I've read about the stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) and I've definitely found myself stopping at all these stages at various times along this road. They say grief is unique to each person and the time one spends in each stage will also be unique. Sometimes I wish there was a guide, or a rule book for how long to feel each stage. Or maybe a syllabus letting me know what I'm going to be feeling and when I'm going to be feeling it. I love rules. I love structure. I love having directions to follow. Grief is so very different. So unstructured. So unpredictable.
Sometimes things that should feel really difficult, turn out to be okay. And on the flip side, some things completely catch me off guard. It seems like there's no rhyme or reason to it. I guess it all boils down to just missing Garren. I just miss him.
And the ache of missing him and the depth of my sadness has made me question far more than I used to. I've always felt secure in God's sovereignty in my life. Things have not always gone the way I would have planned or how I would have liked, but I've been able to be ok with what God chose to give me, or not give me. I've been able to see the good in things.
Now, I have such a hard time even saying that I will ever find the good in losing Garren. It hasn't been hard for me to give up things that I've wanted, and later realize that God had better things planned for me. It hasn't been hard for me to look back on trials and see how God grew my faith and taught me to be more like Jesus. But this? Losing my son?
I realize there are so many ways that God can (and will) use the hurt of losing Garren for His glory. But right now, I have a really hard time saying that I will ever think it was worth it.
When I say things like that, I'm constantly reminded that Garren was not mine in the first place. I know what a precious gift he is and I am so very grateful that God chose us to have him for even a little while. Having this love for Garren, memories of him, the ache of missing him and hope to see him again is far greater than never having known him at all.
I remember having a conversation with someone after our 20 week ultrasound and remarking on how overwhelmed with relief I was that Garren was perfectly healthy. I hadn't realized how anxious I had been about what we could find during that ultrasound. But I wasn't naïve enough to think that that was it. I knew that as much as I wanted to protect him from any bad things, any sickness, any injury in his whole life - I didn't have that in my control. And with the relief of knowing he was healthy, I actually said, "I know Garren is God's child anyway and he has just been entrusted to us". God must have been preparing me to let him go.
Some people have been asking when we're going to have another baby. I know they ask because they are looking for a sign that we're healing, and that must be the sign. Or maybe they ask because they think another baby will bring the healing that we need. Or maybe they're just curious because they want to see us enjoy something in life again. In all of these conversations I've had, in answering the questions of "when", I feel so adamant that I don't want to rush it. We miss Garren. We don't just miss having a baby. In a way, the grief that we're experiencing is like the process of raising him and figuring out how parenthood on earth would be. We wouldn't be rushing to have another baby if he was here. We wouldn't be looking so far forward that we wouldn't be able to see him now. And that's just the way I want it now. I want to fully experience all that goes with learning to be parents to Garren in Heaven. It's completely different than what we expected our first year of parenthood to be, but like any other new parents, we're learning as we go.
I'm not sure where the phrase "Good grief" came from, but yes, grief is good. I think all too often our culture is uncomfortable with grief and hurt and anything but perfect happiness. I'm learning that it's ok to hurt - and not hide it. It's part of bearing one another's burdens. And it's ok not to have a time limit on it. I don't think I'll ever be "done" grieving Garren. That grief will look different throughout the years, but it'll never end.
I'm not sure this captures the whirlwind that life seems to be, but these ramblings will do for now.
Lord, please guide us on this road of grief. Help us to see your goodness and trust you, even in these times when we don't understand. Thank you for the blessings you've allowed us to see in the midst of the hurt. Open our eyes to see your hand more and more at work in our lives. Please tell Garren how much we love him and miss him.
Love,
Andrea
