Jay's Thoughts

Janary 14th - 1:00am

Sometimes I feel like I just don't have the words to express what I'm thinking or how I'm feeling each day. I'm sure this is probably something a lot of dad's feel after losing a child, it can't be unique to just me. I hurt, but I'm having a difficult time finding a way to express it.

I've read some blogs and message boards recently from father's who have children that have died. I went in search of some type of support group of just men who can "understand" my hurt and the pain I'm feeling. The more blogs I read, and the more message boards I looked over, the more I just felt like they didn't understand "my hurt" or "my pain." I don't want to say that these men don't feel pain or hurt for their children that have died, but I never got the impression that they would understand what I'm going through.

Everytime I go looking for a blog or a message board all I seem to find are dad's who have lost children who are 5-15yrs old, and they seem to always be angry at God or complaining about adults or teachers that wronged their children in some way. But that's just not me. My son lived and died on the same day. I never got to teach him his numbers or letters. I never got to read him a book before bedtime. I never sent him off to school for his first day of Kindergarten or played our first game of catch in the yard. I never got to take him to the air show, or talk with him about classic cars. I never got to watch him play with the boys at church, I'm sure all three of them would have been great friends. We never got to go hunting or fishing. Worst of all, I never got to hear him say "I love you dad," and that truly breaks my heart. There are so many things that I never had, or I ever will with Garren. But, unlike those other fathers, I'm not angry at God. I'm not angry at anyone about Garren dying. I know that God has a plan in Garren's death and that it is not a punishment for me or Andrea that he died. Pain is no measure of God's faithfulness. But, just because I'm not angry doesn't mean I'm not deeply hurting inside. I'm hurting, I just don't know how to say it out loud.

The last time I posted on here I was having some faily consistent sleeping troubles. I guess I should just come out and say it. I was having nightmares pretty regularly. Thankfully, I was able to have four nights without a nightmare before my streak ended. I'm hoping to start a new streak tonight. But, it's strange. I desperately don't want to have nightmares, but I also don't want to stop dreaming because I keep hoping to see Garren there in my sleep. I love him and I want to be with him while I'm sleeping. It's hard to explain, but if you're a parent who has ever lost a child, I think you know what I mean.

It's starting to get late, and I have to be my best for my students tomorrow. I know I haven't been the best teacher these past few days. I should probably at least try and get some rest before I have to put back on my smiley face and perform for the kids. The nights just never feel long enough anymore, but truthfully, right now, nothing feels normal either. God is going to see me through though, I know He will.

Good night everyone.




Lord Heavenly Father, I come before you tonight and I ask that you will help me through these days. Give me peace, give me comfort, let me find rest in you. Lord, I'm hurting inside please ease the pain. I thank you for the life of my son and the gift he has been to my life and countless others. I thank you for the trial that you are having Andrea and me go through right now because I know that you are refining us with your love and molding us into something new, something that you will use to have your will be done here on earth. Lord, I love you, I trust you. Let me sleep well tonight, be by my side throughout the upcoming days. Tell Garren his daddy loves him. I pray this in Jesus name, amen.