Jay and I had been married for a year and a half when we found out we were expecting a baby! We couldn't have been happier! The pregnancy felt like a dream. I had mild morning sickness at the beginning, but nothing to complain about. Around my 30th week, I started getting heartburn, but thank goodness for Tums - they worked like a charm. I had some pain in my low abdomen as my ligaments stretched toward the end of my pregnancy, but even that was tolerable. I loved being pregnant. People would ask me if I was ready to be done yet. Nope. Everything was going perfectly and I loved having our son Garren with me all the time, feeling him move and even hiccup.
Garren James died in childbirth on December 8, 2012.
What a beautiful day Saturday December 8th started out to be! I woke up, got all dressed up in a brand new gray maternity dress that I bought just for the baby shower thrown by the church ladies that morning. I kissed Jay good bye and headed out the door to go celebrate Garren.
The shower
was beautiful! After the
shower, my Mom and my sister took me shopping at a store close by to see if we
could find a cute little outfit for Garren to wear on his first day in church. We wanted something just perfect for little
Garren. No luck. But we did get a few cute outfits that I planned to have him wear in the hospital and one to wear home from the hospital.
I went home
and showed Jay all the nice things people gave to us and then I spent the afternoon organizing
and putting things away in Garren’s room. I made some lists of things I still
needed to buy so that everything would be ready for his arrival, in what I
thought would be a few short weeks, not a few short hours. I started to feel a
little uncomfortable and had a mild backache, but I chalked it up to sitting on
the floor all afternoon and being almost 37 weeks pregnant.
That
evening, Jay and I packed up our dog Rusty and drove to my parents’ house so that we
could celebrate my birthday, which was coming the next day. We had some pizza
and planned to have some of Mom’s delicious carrot cake, but I started feeling
worse. My back was aching more and I just didn’t feel well. Garren was laying
sideways in my abdomen and I thought that was what hurt my back so badly. So I
laid down, trying to get him to move back where he was supposed to
be. The pain just gradually got worse and worse. I started to think maybe I was
in labor. I felt hesitantly excited and terrified all at the same time. It was
a little early for Garren to come, but at almost 37 weeks, I knew if he came he
would be healthy and all would be okay. I didn’t have things totally ready for
him at home, so I felt uneasy about that. But the most terrifying part was that
things just didn’t feel right. The more my back hurt, the more I started to
worry, and the less I thought it was labor. There weren’t contractions. The
pain just gradually got worse and worse.Still at my mom’s house, when I looked in the mirror, I noticed that my lips turned pale. I also had a lingering feeling of nausea and just didn’t feel well. So Jay and I decided to get back to the west side of town as fast as we could and get checked out at the hospital where I had already registered. I had no idea how fast Jay was driving, I just closed my eyes and tried to endure the pain. The next thing I knew, we were at the hospital. Jay had gotten us there in about 20-25 minutes. That was fast!
We checked in at OB Triage. After Jay got a wheelchair and rolled me inside, he parked the car while I got settled in the room and answered a few questions from one of the nurses. They asked me to change my clothes and put on a hospital gown. After that, they checked my vital signs and said another nurse would be in soon. Jay met me in the triage room about that time. We waited a while and I tried to find a position that was comfortable on the gurney, but after sitting up, laying down, on my side, on my back, right side, left side, standing up…. nothing helped. The pain just got worse and worse. I called the nurses’ station and asked for some pain medication. They said a nurse would come by to see me soon.
When the
nurse came in, she started attaching the fetal monitor to my abdomen. She moved
it all around. She put more gel on my abdomen and tried again. She looked at us
and said, “I’m having trouble finding landmarks, let me go get an ultra sound
machine.” I’ve never heard something so unnerving in my life. Our doctor had
never had a second of difficulty finding Garren’s heartbeat at any of our appointments. This nurse had
already spent a few minutes searching. I looked at Jay and saw the sheer,
terrifying panic in his eyes that must have mirrored mine and I tried to reassure him that it would be ok. I
grabbed his arm and shook my head, silently telling him to trust the Lord and
that we shouldn’t start to worry. Jay nodded in agreement. I felt certain that
once they got the ultra sound machine, we would hear his heart beating, strong
and healthy just like we always had.
The nurse returned with the ultra sound machine and the
minutes passed in a blur. She moved the probe over my abdomen, back and forth,
up and down. She didn’t say anything as she was attempting to find Garren’s
heartbeat. After some time had passed, she said she might have someone else
take a look because she was just having some trouble locating her landmarks. I
could tell that Garren was still lying sideways in my abdomen and I knew the deeper, more terrifying meaning behind her words. His back was right across the front of my abdomen. It shouldn’t have
been that difficult to find “landmarks”.
A doctor came in and said she happened to be in the area
and wanted to take a look. I have a feeling they called her because things didn't look good. After a few minutes of searching, she asked the
staff for another machine. She said that the one she was using was the older of
the two and wanted a better machine. I tried to wait patiently and lie still
while they did what they needed to do, but the pain grew so severe that I could
not lie still at all. I asked over and over if I could change position.
Repositioning in any direction couldn’t relieve the pain.
After the second machine was located from upstairs and
finally brought into the room, she tried again. Over and over she looked at the
screen as she moved the probe all around. She gently said to us “I’m going to
be honest, I’m having some trouble”. Jay was always so good at identifying
things on the ultra sounds that we had had before. As she continued to search,
she and Jay both stopped and he said, “What was that?!” The doctor looked at
Jay and said, “Did you see it too?” They thought they had found a beat. It was
beating around 90 beats per minute. At that moment, another doctor came into
the room with us. The two of them looked at the monitor and all of a sudden
said, “She’s abrupting. Let’s go. Get a type and screen....."
The next thing we knew nurses were attempting to start an IV
in my left hand as they were rushing to push the gurney out of the small triage room.
They quickly told us that they would be doing a C-section. I looked at Jay as I
was being wheeled away and told him to call our families. Before I knew it, I
was in the elevator without Jay. I asked if he could come into the operating room too and they gently said, "No, not for this one." I knew it was bad, but I wanted him there. I hadn't even said goodbye to him. Thankfully, he came up in the second elevator
and I saw him in the hallway for only a second as they turned the corner,
taking me into the operating room. I held up my hand, making the sign language
signal for “I love you” and tried to call out to him to tell him I love him.
In the operating room, I was shuffled over from the triage
gurney to the operating table. I laid down and closed my eyes, answering the
medical history questions that were being peppered at me. The anesthesiologist
covered my nose and mouth with an oxygen mask and I asked them to “Pray, please
pray!” With my eyes closed, I felt them start the
process of draping my abdomen for the surgery. I felt the cold antiseptic wash
and heard the anesthesiologist ask, “Who’s going to be my cricoid hold?” I felt
a tight pinch in the front of my neck, around my trachea and then my world went
quiet and dark and strangely, paradoxically peaceful.
I had crawled onto the operating table pregnant, prayerfully
expecting that God would hold our son safe until he could be delivered. I
didn’t yet realize how closely God was holding our precious Garren and how
carefully He was protecting my life.
My next memory was of me lying in a bed, opening my eyes enough to see Jay standing to the left of me. In the fog of waking up, I had enough clarity to remember what had brought me to that point. I hadn't yet been extubated, so I couldn't talk, but simply looked at Jay and held up my hand, asking the dreaded question with a thumbs up or thumbs down gesture. In a way, I'm thankful that conversation didn't contain words. Jay's response of a head bowed, thumbs down spoke volumes. I'm thankful he didn't have to find the words to tell me.The next several hours were a blur to me. I didn't realize it until later, but I had been in surgery longer than expected, with severe complications that nearly took my life. It's a terribly horrific feeling to know that everything happened without me. Jay had our families and dear, dear friends surrounding him, but I wasn't with him through it until 14 hours later. He had to shoulder the weight of losing our son without me for 14 hours.
I had undergone an emergency C-section. Garren was delivered at 9:32pm, only minutes after I was rushed out of the triage room. I had had a placental abruption, where the placenta separated from the wall of the uterus, causing a massive amount of blood loss. Garren's lifeline had failed and he wasn't getting the blood flow that he needed. They spent several minutes trying to revive him, but the Lord had other plans. The nurses found Jay in the waiting area and asked him to follow them to a quiet room. They tenderly told him that Garren had died. Then they lovingly brought our son to Jay.
During the C-section, my body went into a severe bleeding problem called disseminated intravascular coagulation. It was an inability of the blood in my body to clot. I continued to bleed despite the interventions they had tried. I required 18 units of blood during the surgery, 4 vials of an expensive and apparently not commonly used clotting medication, and finally a procedure to temporarily block one of my uterine arteries to control the bleeding. Because of the severity of complications that I faced, I went to the cardiovascular ICU after surgery, was given an additional 4 units of blood and was sedated until the following morning. The endotracheal tube (breathing tube) was removed around 11:30am.
Our wonderful obstetrician brought Garren to me that afternoon around 1:30pm and I was able to finally see the face of our beautiful, wonderful son Garren James. He was absolutely perfect.
We have no clear explanations for why the placenta detached. I don't fit any of the common risk factors and didn't have the classic signs that it was happening other than back pain, which could be a symptom of so many things and nothing at the same time. We may never know exactly what happened or why it happened while we're on this side of Heaven.
Because of the complications, we were able to stay in the hospital for the next five days. Those days are the most precious of all days to me. We were able to hold Garren, share him with our family and friends who came to visit us. I had the time to study his beautiful, perfect little body and have cherished pictures taken with him. The complications truly were a gift and I'm thankful for them.
We were blessed with wonderful care from all the hospital staff throughout the whole experience. We're grateful for everyone from the very beginning of our stay and the fight they fought to save Garren's life and my life all the way to the last moments in the hospital and the dear staff who cared for us while we said goodbye to Garren and left the hospital. I know that God perfectly placed each person in our midst at the perfect time. I'm told if the anesthesiologist had not been the one caring for me during the surgery, I would have died. And I know she was just one of the amazing people God aligned to care for us. We're so grateful for all that was done for us.
Garren is the best gift we've ever been given. We had 37 wonderful weeks with him and 5 priceless days to hold him and kiss his precious face. We'll see him again in Heaven some day and we are eager beyond words for that day!
"Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign Lord is my strength" Habakkuk 3:17-19a
Jay's Perspective:
Saturday, December 8th, 2012
It felt like any other Saturday. I was at home working on a paper for my masters of education class. I don't remember what time Andrea got home from the baby shower just that she had a lot of things for me to bring inside to Garren's room. I remember Andrea sitting on the floor in Garren's room separating out his clothes when she said she felt like Garren was laying sideways. He'd done this earlier the week before and eventually wen't head down later that day, so we really weren't concerned. Andrea said she was a little uncomfortable, and that her back was starting to hurt, but it's like I said, Garren did this before and we weren't concerned.
Andrea's birthday is December 9th, so we decided to head on over to her parent's house to celebrate. As we drove to her parent's house, Andrea's back started to get more sore and she was really getting uncomfortable. But who isn't uncomfortable when you're 37 weeks pregnant?
The pizza was good. Everyone was enjoying ourselves, except Andrea. She'd left the table because she was in pain and she was starting to get sick to her stomach. I found her in her parent's bedroom, and honestly, she looked like she was in labor, but something wasn't right. I walked with her to the bathroom where the lights were on and she looked white as a ghost. We debated if we should go to the Banner hospital close to her parent's house just to get checked out. But, we decided that we really wanted to go to Thunderbird.
Andrea was starting to get cold, so we bundled her up in blankets and put her in the car. She was in extreme pain now. I drove about 90-95mph down the freeway from her parent's house to Banner Thunderbird and got us there in roughly 20 minutes. Surely there had to be God's hand on us as we drove because the traffic was spaced just perfectly for me the whole way.
I pulled up to the hospital and went inside to get a wheelchair, Andrea couldn't walk the 100 feet to the door. I got her inside and we explained what was going on. I'll be honest. This is the only part of our time at the hospital that frustrated me. OB Triage is supposed to be a place where expectant mothers go when something doesn't feel right. So why does the medical staff move so slowly? Andrea was complaining of extreme back pain (one of the symptoms of a placental abruption) and I had to go ask the staff twice to go see her.
I was getting scared. Andrea never complains about pain and she couldn't stay still for more than a minute because of the pain. When OB Triage finally figured out that something was wrong, we had been there nearly an hour. An hour! I can't help but think, what would an hour have done for us, for Garren?
I wish that I could remember the names of the doctors and the nurse that came downstairs to see Andrea in OB Triage, they were good. They finally found Garren's heartbeat, but it was so low. They rushed her upstairs, starting an IV as they went; I didn't even make it in the same elevator. I was trying to call Andrea's mom and dad and my mom, but every time I tried to speak I was choked out by tears and fear that I was going to lose them both. I made it upstairs just as they were turning the corner to wheel her into surgery.
I watched my life, the one thing of this world that means more to me than words can express, wheel into an operating room and there was nothing I could do. I begged the Lord to take my life in place of theirs. I wandered my way out to the waiting room, too anxious to remain still. Thankfully, my mom, sister and their friend found me there. I remember praying again, and feeling a peace wash over me. A peace that I'll never fully understand. It was probably a minute or two later when I saw two nurses walking down the hallway asking for me. I remember one of them was Kristie (or so I think), the other's name escapes my memory. They escorted me, my mom and sister, to one of the rooms at the back of the L&D area. I knew they were either going to tell me that everything was alright or I was going to get terrible news. When they asked me to sit down, I braced myself for what I knew was coming.
Garren was gone. The Lord took him home. Andrea was still in surgery. I felt like all my energy left my body in that moment, I was thankful to be sitting down. I asked to hold him. I'd waited 9 months for him, dreaming of the day that Andrea and I would be mommy and daddy. When they brought him in, he looked so perfect. In every way he was ready to be here. His body was warm, his skin was soft, he looked like he was just sleeping. I wanted so badly for him to just wake up. But God had other plans.
I'm thankful that the nursing staff knew there were a lot of people who were waiting outside for me and that they escorted them back to where I was. I remember watching my mother and father-in-law's faces through the doorway as they let them know that Garren had died. It was hard watching the heartache and pain wash over them. The same pain I was feeling in that moment.
The nursing staff moved my family, friends, and me down to another part of L&D so that we could be alone. My friends were starting to show up now in support. Phil, Andy, Paul, Dan, they came at a moment's notice to be with me and our family. More family came trickling in. My dad even made it there from Camp Verde in the middle of the night. But in the midst of the heartache and extreme sadness I had that Garren had died, I was still at peace because I knew that he was in Jesus' hands and that he was singing to him. Garren is in Heaven.
I remember thinking to myself, "where's Andrea?" I think it was about that same moment when her mom Sherri had the same thought. It must have been 11:30pm now and she still wasn't out of surgery? Questions with no answers. That's when the doctors came back to find me and Sherri. Andrea needed some more interventions. She had lost a lot of blood and needed to have an artery blocked. An artery blocked!?! So they took us back to the operating room where Andrea was to explain what they needed to do. They took her down to another department in the hospital and had me sign off on the procedure. I recall the doctor telling me what he was going to do, and all the possible risk factors, but at that point in my life, I didn't care, just save my wife. When the medical staff left to do their work, Sherri and I just stood there in disbelief. Was this really happening?
My friends and most of the family stayed at the hospital with me till nearly 2am. Andrea had been moved down to ICU and I needed to go back and forth to check on her. What was I going to say to her? How would I tell her? I prayed that the Lord would let her know in a dream so that I wouldn't have to. She looked terrible laying in that bed with all those tubes and lines going in and out of her, and now they were telling me that they needed to put a line into her jugular vein to get her the medications she despretely needed. I grabbed Andrea's hand, and her eyes fluttered and slowly opened. She wasn't aware yet, which made my night even harder. All I could think about was our son and that I was going to have to tell her somehow, someway, that he was perfect, and that he had died. My heart ached. I had to go back to Garren, I wanted to hold him some more.
My night continued like this for the next 4 hours. I went back and forth from Andrea's ICU room and Garren's room in L&D. John, Sherri, Mackenzie, my Dad, they all looked heartbroken and exhausted.
Our obstetrician wasn't there the night before and he came in around 6am. He found me in Garren's room and gave me a big heartfelt hug. He was just as heartbroken as I was. We headed down to Andrea's room to see how she was doing. She was recovering well, and the sedation would be turned off in a few hours. Those few hours felt like days.
Andrea started to come back. She was moving around, trying to look around the room through her swollen eyes. She was gagging on the tube giving her air. I was standing at her bedside when her eyes found mine. She looked me up and down. She looked at her stomach and pointed to it. She looked back at me and asked with her hands, thumbs up or thumbs down? That memory haunts me. I just remember slumping my head and putting my thumb down and crying, and so did she. No words could come out. Garren was dead and the hurt was too much to say anything.
As Andrea became more aware, Garren was brought in for her to hold him. It was one of the saddest moments of my life watching her come to full terms with his death.
I think Andrea has done a good job of telling the story from her perspective on, but I want to leave you all with this. Garren may have died, but his life was meant for a purpose. You see, God loves us, and he knit each of us together in our mother's womb. God knows you personally. He loves you. Things may not always go as we plan. God knows that I wanted to play a game of catch with Garren, that I wanted to see him grow up to be a man. But, that wasn't in God's plan, and I don't fully understand that right now. However, I will trust the Lord and his goodness. He has a purpose in Garren's life and death. You may be in pain, and you may feel hurt from a loss, but trust in God, he'll get you through the darkest valleys and accompany you on the highest peaks. This is just a terrible chapter in God's greater plan. I believe that God will be with Andrea and me and that he will bless us with a family here on earth. I know that he's using this trial to refine us to better serve him and trust in his will. I love God, I know he'll see us through, and some day I'll still get to have that game of catch with Garren, he'll be faithful in that too.
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