That's how long it's been since Garren died (or truly began to live, really). That's how long we've been missing him.
We had him here on earth for 36 weeks and six days.
We've now been missing him for longer than he was here.
I don't mark the weeks on a calendar. I don't have a tally system set up on my bulletin board. I don't have to think long and hard to remember what week it is. While I was pregnant I counted weeks, like every pregnant woman.
I'm 12 weeks today. The chances of miscarrying drop at this point. AND I'll get to hear my little baby's heartbeat on an ultrasound at this visit!
I'm 18 weeks today. Time to see this little one on the BIG ultra sound. Time to find out if we have a little lady or a little sir.
I'm 24 weeks today. If our baby is born too early, the chance that he'll survive will be better and better from here on out.
I'm 30 weeks today. Time to stay put and not travel anywhere just in case he surprises us with his presence early. Better start getting his room ready!
I'm 36 weeks today. Term. If our little man is born any day now, he'll be okay. Oh but Lord, please keep him in there for as long as he can stay so that he'll have the strongest brain development he can have. Keep him in there until his little lungs are ready to breathe all the wonderful air You give us.
Thirty-six weeks and six days.
Oh Lord, he could have lived. He could have thrived! He could have breathed sweet air and exhaled little breaths that I would feel on my chest as I held him. He could have squinted and squirmed and cried, letting me know he needed me. He could have lived. According to all the science and monitoring we have here on this earth, he was ready. But You decided otherwise. You knew exactly how many days Garren would have on this earth. You numbered them before the beginning of time.
"All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139:16
You loved him before the beginning of time.
You loved me before the beginning of time. You numbered my days. You orchestrated every detail of my life. You directed and planned this. You gave me this. This. Dare I say it? Gift. This gift.
I count the days, the weeks. Simply because I love him. Simply because I miss him. I count. I counted to 36 weeks and six days once, with eager expectation and a growing, unconditional love. On December 8, 2012 I began the count again. I've counted past 36 weeks and six days with a longing kind of love, a soul ache, a dread for each passing day because it's one more day without Garren. It's daunting to know that we've crossed the threshold into the rest of our earthly lives. From here forward, we will always be missing him for longer than we had him here with us physically. Daunting. Overwhelming. At times, even crushing.
How long will I count? What will I count? Weeks? Months? What is this in me that NEEDS to count? If I stop counting weeks, what will I count? What should I count?
In the very seconds after I asked myself this question, the Lord, in His sovereignty and incredible love spoke to my heart. Count gifts.
Count gifts, blessings, evidence that He loves me. Evidence that He's here.
My heart has been pierced all over again in the last few weeks. This time, not a fresh piercing of pain and agony of longing. This time, pierced with an overwhelming feeling of love and grace. A knowledge of the love of the Father, who is sovereign. My heart feels contentment in His sovereignty. Oh, there are still days, so many days when I question His sovereignty and feel angry about His divine will and purpose as it's been manifested here in my life. But when I come to Him, I know that He is sovereign. And there's peace in that. There's not such a struggle, a warring in my heart about it anymore. I've always known He's sovereign, but in these months, in my anger and grief I couldn't fit those things together. How can my loving, powerful, sovereign God have designed this? And if He did, which I know beyond even a shadow of doubt, then why? Why? It didn't fit. Sovereignty, love and this didn't fit. I don't have the answer to why anymore than I ever have. But He is sovereign. That's the answer. I don't need to know why. I don't need to spend my life searching for the why. There might be a thousand reasons why. There might be one. The Lord will reveal it to me in His perfect timing, if that should be in my lifetime on earth. If not, I will surely know when I am in His presence in Heaven. And today, I'm okay with that.
So this piercing of love and grace comes from seeing, looking, searching for His gifts to me. His thousands and thousands of gifts, simply saying He loves me and cares for me and is with me.
So I'll continue to count. I don't know if my mind will stop unintentionally counting weeks, but my mind will intentionally continue to count His blessings. One by one.
Count Your Blessings
Written by Johnson Oatman, Jr. (1897)
When upon life's billows you are tempest tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings - name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.
Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings; every doubt will fly,
And you will be singing as the days go by.
When you look at others with their lands and gold,
Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold;
Count your many blessings; money cannot buy
Your reward in heaven nor your home on high.
So amid the conflict, whether great or small,
Do not be discouraged; God is over all.
Count your many blessings; angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey's end.
Count your blessings, name them one by one;
Count your blessings, see what God hath done.
Count your blessings, name them one by one;
Count your many blessings, see what God hath done.
"Many, O Lord my God, are the wonders you have done. The things you planned for us no one can recount to you; were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare." Psalm 40:5
Many, O Lord are the wonders you have done. Thank you for your unfailing love. Thank you for the wisdom and truth you have shown my heart over the last several weeks. Thank you for your sovereignty. Thank you for Garren. And thank you for loving him and numbering his days before the beginning of time. Thank you that he's home with you. And thank you that these weeks that I count in dread and angst, should really be counted in eager anticipation. We're 37 weeks and one day closer to seeing Garren again. And greater than that, we're 37 weeks and one day closer to seeing your son, Jesus face to face. Bless the counting. Open my eye to see your love all around me. Let me see as you see, that even the things I would never describe or name as a blessing would be seen as a gift from you. A gift that will bring good to me (as you see goodness, not always as I see it) and glory to you. "To him who sits on the throne and to the Lamb be praise and honor and glory and power, for ever and ever!" Revelation 5:13
Amen.
