Hope

Heavenly Father,

Several years ago, a pastor once said that in times of trial one should "rely on what you KNOW about God, not what you FEEL."

I feel completely broken-hearted that Garren is not here. I feel like a lost mother. I feel exposed and out of place and at the same time totally hidden and unnoticed. I feel angry. I'm so angry that Garren isn't here. I'm angry that I didn't have any warning signs to get to the hospital sooner. I'm angry that there weren't warning signs that something was wrong TWO DAYS before he was born while I was already at my doctor's office. I'm angry that I didn't have mother's intuition to get to the hospital in time to save Garren. I'm so angry that you didn't save Garren.

My life is usually, sinfully consumed with worrying what people think of me. I don't want to pretend in this. I do have stong faith in you, Lord. But I don't want to spend my energy appearing that I'm not hurting and angry about the valley you have us in. And yet, in the midst of the anger and utter disbelief that we are where we are, I have hope. And for that I'm so grateful.

I have hope because of what I KNOW about you.

I know you are sovereign. You are far greater than I can ever fathom. You are the creator and sustainer of the Universe - of which I know very very little. I know you have known me and Jay since before you created the world. I know you have known Garren since before creation too. I know that you are loving. You sent your only Son to die as payment for my sins, forgiving me so that I can have a restored relationship with you. I know you have given me your Spirit to convict me, comfort me, and guide me through life and especially through this valley. I know you are my Shepherd. I know you do all things for my good and your glory. It's hard to see how taking Garren is for my good. And I wish you had chosen to show your glory in some other way. But when I get to Heaven, I'm sure I'll understand. In any case, I know you are faithful. I have seen beautiful displays of your presence in our lives, through small things (like bulbs I planted last summer that are finally growing even though I haven't watered them since I planted them) to big things (like the overwhelming peace we have in your sovereignty).

Peace: not the absence of turmoil, but the presence of God. Peace. We have it. You're supplying it for us. Thank you!

Hope. We also have hope. Hope because we know we'll see Garren again. Hope because Jesus died to save us. Hope because we know Garren is safe in Heaven with you. What hope! Thank you that this isn't final. Thank you that your promises are true. Thank you for your Son. And thank you for my son. What a gift he is.

Thank you for beautiful songs that encourage us, like this one from BarlowGirl:

Hope Will Lead Us On

Rise up again
Shake off the shadows
Unlock the doors
And let hope live once more
'Cause up from the ashes
A fire is woken
'Cause those who were broken
Are becoming the chosen

Chorus:

So lift up your eyes
'Cause we're not forgotten
And hope will lead us on

Our hearts come alive
With every moment
Become the flame
That shows us the way

So sing out your freedom
Sing it out loud
'Cause though we are broken
We're becoming the chosen

Chorus:

So lift up your eyes
'Cause we're not forgotten
And hope will lead us on

Oh we pray for the dawn
And we reach for the morning
And hope will lead us on

Oh the day will come
As we press on
When the battles' won

Chorus:

So lift up your eyes
'Cause we're not forgotten
And hope will lead us on

So lift up your eyes
'Cause we're not forgotten
And hope will lead us on

Oh we pray for the dawn
And we reach for the morning
And hope will lead us on
And hope will lead us on
And hope will lead us on   

 

Thank you for hope. I love you, Lord. Thank you for showing me you're still here. Keep my eyes and heart open to see you. And help me to rely on what I KNOW about you, despite what I FEEL. Tell Garren how much I love him and miss him. Please give him a kiss for me.

 

Love,

Andrea

6 Weeks

Hi Sweetie,

I'm missing you today. Like every other day, I'm missing you. You've been away from me for 6 weeks already. It's been 6 weeks since I felt you kick and move around. It's been 6 weeks since I smiled in anticipation of your arrival. It's been 6 weeks since I felt the fear of going into surgery, knowing I might not wake up with you in my arms. I'm so grateful that I had time in the hospital with you. I cherish every second that I had holding you, kissing you, studying your sweet, perfect body. But every Saturday marks another week. Another week has gone by that I haven't kissed you or held you or rocked you like a Mommy should.

It feels like the weeks have passed so quickly. I wish time would slow down so that I could stay a little closer to you. I know that seems strange because I know you're in Heaven with Jesus and I'm actually getting closer to you every day.

Daddy went back to work a few weeks ago. Our friends have been so nice in coming to visit me while he's at work and spending time with us on the weekends when he's home too. And so many people have given us meals to eat, so we don't have to worry about that right now. While Daddy has been at work, I've tried to put together a few photo books with pictures of you to give to our families. I've found several other blogs to read and have learned about other families who have sons and daughters in Heaven, maybe you've already met some of those little ones!

The days just pass by. It all feels so wrong, Garren. We shouldn't have people bringing meals. We shouldn't have visitors coming to help us grieve. We shouldn't have books about grieving sitting in our living room, on our coffee table. I shouldn't have a stack of 'thank you' notes to write to people who've done so much for us - from the hospital staff, to our church, our family, our friends, people we've never met who've reached out to us and everyone in between. I shouldn't be making photo books of your pictures - the finite number of pictures we have of you. The books should be of your 1 month, 2 month, 3 month pictures as you grow. Your room shouldn't be clean. The house shouldn't be quiet. I shouldn't be doing laundry only once a week. I shouldn't find myself telling people we had a good day, and in the same sentence mention that we visited your cemetary and got information on ordering a marker for you. It feels so wrong.

I'm grateful beyond words for everything people are doing for us. But I just wish they didn't have to.

Rusty has been the sweetest thing since you've been gone. He always loved snuggling with us when you were here with me, but now he snuggles with me a little longer when he knows I'm feeling extra sad. I think he misses you too. He would have loved to have you chase him around the yard when you learned to walk and then run. I hope you have some doggies to play with in Heaven. Maybe Lady and Tramp and Trixie are there with you. It might seem silly Garren, but I really hope so.

I just wanted to tell you what we've been up to for the last few weeks. Not much really. We've just been missing you and somehow in the midst of that, the days go by. I wish with everything I am that you were here. I love you so much Garren! I miss you! See you later, alligator.....

Love You Forever,
Mommy

P.S. Will you ask God to show me that He's here? I'm having trouble seeing Him today.

The New Normal

Dear God,

This path that you've asked us to walk is difficult. I'm struggling today, God. I'm hurting. The strange part about how I feel is that I can hardly put words to it. I've been trying all week to write down Garren's story, this new part of my story and Jay's story. You know that more than once in my life I've been told I have a tendency to talk too much. Why is it that I can't find words anymore? Why do the words that I know, the language that I speak not capture the depth of longing I have for Garren to be here and the hurt that I feel each day without him? I never want to forget the experience of carrying Garren or the feeling of holding him in my arms. When I try to write down those feelings, I get so lost. Lord, I think I'm learning that having Garren, holding him, being blessed to be his Mommy even for a little while in this life is such a profoundly incredible gift that there truly are no words to decribe its greatness.

Maybe there are no words to use because it shows how deeply wrong death is. I know that you have sorrow over death and weep with us in our sorrow. And at the same time, you comfort us with such love and compassion. I feel your comfort. I feel your peace. Others have suggested to us to keep a list of your faithfulness as we walk in this valley. What a gift that has been! You are faithful and my pain is no measure of that faithfulness!

Lord, you know I chuckled the other night when we read Your Word. I shouldn't be surprised at how perfectly and intimately you know me. You knew I was struggling with the idea of going through trials and the depth of the trial you're asking us to go through. It was as if you sat with us at our dinner table hearing all I was saying to Jay. And then when I was finally quiet after we finished eating, you spoke directly to me through our Charles Stanley daily devotional over James 1:2-4 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." Thank you for that reminder. Thank you for telling me to have an eternal perspective. Thank you for telling me to have joy, only found through Your Spirit. And thank you for allowing me to hurt. You never said trials wouldn't hurt. It's humbling to know that you hurt with me.

This "new normal" is no fun, God. Day-to-day things that I've always done seem the same. And that's the problem. My heart and soul feel so completely different, yet waking up, getting dressed, running errands, just living life appear the same as they always have. Jay has gone back to work, we've gone back to church. I'll soon go back to my weekly Bible Study and go back to work myself. My routine will feel just like it did a year ago. I hate that. I hate thinking that life just goes on. I know I will never forget Garren and I will miss him and ache for him every day for the rest of my life, but I hate that I have to do all these "normal" things in life. I know it will get easier to do these things. Today it's just plain hard.

Lord, please continue to give me your strength, comfort and guidance as we walk this path. Thank you for your grace. Thank you for loving me enough to save me. And thank you for loving me so much that you promise to never leave me. Thank you for loving me so much that you promise your peace, everlasting peace. Thank you for loving Garren and holding him in your arms. As much as, in my humanness, I would rather have him here I know he couldn't be any place better than in your presence. I love you, Lord. Please tell Garren I love him too.

Love,
Andrea

I remember...

It was one month ago... Right about this time in the morning when I was sitting up in a hospital chair holding you close to my chest. There were a lot of people around us that night. Holding me, holding you,asking about your mom. It all just happened so fast. In fact, it happened so fast that it's hard to know where to start or how to explain it all. Two days just merged into one.

Garren, when I saw you for the first time my whole life changed. There you were, perfect in nearly every way. You had your mom's nose and lips, but you had my eyes and crazy hair. You had your little blue and pink beanie on and you were swaddled up in a blanket. Your beautiful cheeks were warm and full of color as I pulled you up underneath my neck and chin. Just feeling in my arms was something I had been dreaming about for 9 months now. My son, my handsome and incredible son. That's a memory I'll never forget. It's bittersweet.

I have had a very difficult time sleeping these past few weeks. Not because I'm not at peace or because I'm needing answers. I don't sleep well these nights because I see you in my sleep nearly every night and I wake up missing you so deeply. I miss you so much. I think back on the days when your mom and I would watch Notre Dame play and I would sing you the fight song in your mother's womb. You would kick and move all over the place. I started to dream about your future and what things you would achieve in life. I dreamt that you and I could watch Notre Dame football games together, go hiking with the guys at church, do some camping together, see a few movies, or just talk life, give you a hug when you had a bad day, or watch you ride a bike for the first time, play a game of catch, or see you grow up loving God and getting married to a God loving girl. I just dreamed of life with you, and now I live days without you. I waited 9 months for life to change, and it did! Just not the way I wanted.

Son, I know you're in heaven and Jesus is looking after you. You have the best Heavenly Father! I'm so thankful for that. But your daddy just misses you tonight. I love you Garren! I will always love you. I hope you are sleeping well in the arms of Jesus. Lets hope I get some sleep too.