I remember...

It was one month ago... Right about this time in the morning when I was sitting up in a hospital chair holding you close to my chest. There were a lot of people around us that night. Holding me, holding you,asking about your mom. It all just happened so fast. In fact, it happened so fast that it's hard to know where to start or how to explain it all. Two days just merged into one.

Garren, when I saw you for the first time my whole life changed. There you were, perfect in nearly every way. You had your mom's nose and lips, but you had my eyes and crazy hair. You had your little blue and pink beanie on and you were swaddled up in a blanket. Your beautiful cheeks were warm and full of color as I pulled you up underneath my neck and chin. Just feeling in my arms was something I had been dreaming about for 9 months now. My son, my handsome and incredible son. That's a memory I'll never forget. It's bittersweet.

I have had a very difficult time sleeping these past few weeks. Not because I'm not at peace or because I'm needing answers. I don't sleep well these nights because I see you in my sleep nearly every night and I wake up missing you so deeply. I miss you so much. I think back on the days when your mom and I would watch Notre Dame play and I would sing you the fight song in your mother's womb. You would kick and move all over the place. I started to dream about your future and what things you would achieve in life. I dreamt that you and I could watch Notre Dame football games together, go hiking with the guys at church, do some camping together, see a few movies, or just talk life, give you a hug when you had a bad day, or watch you ride a bike for the first time, play a game of catch, or see you grow up loving God and getting married to a God loving girl. I just dreamed of life with you, and now I live days without you. I waited 9 months for life to change, and it did! Just not the way I wanted.

Son, I know you're in heaven and Jesus is looking after you. You have the best Heavenly Father! I'm so thankful for that. But your daddy just misses you tonight. I love you Garren! I will always love you. I hope you are sleeping well in the arms of Jesus. Lets hope I get some sleep too.