Surrender

Dear Lord,

I haven't written to you in a while. I wish I could say that my actual prayer life was much different than these letters. It used to be. I used to have days when I would talk with you all day throughout the day and usually have a committed time of prayer stuck into my day somewhere. I wish I could tell you I got busy, just too busy to pray. I wish I could tell you I've just plain forgotten to pray. But I've been angry. So angry. So disappointed. So confused. So lost in the promises of your Word. I've been so angry that I'd chosen not to pray. I stopped praying when the prayers I prayed for a young girl's physical healing were answered completely opposite of what I prayed. Those prayers ended in taking her to Heaven. Just like Garren. Just like so many other babies and young children. I got so frustrated that you didn't answer those prayers. And I know that "No" is an answer. But why didn't you answer any of my desperate cries or the cries of other moms and dads to save our children with a "Yes?"

For my good and for Your glory....

I know, Lord. But why couldn't you have shown your glory in miraculously saving the lives of so many children? Why couldn't you have saved Garren and grown him into an incredibly godly man for you, to glorify you in his life by standing tall in such a dark, fallen world? Wouldn't you be glorified in that?

And none of this feels like it's for my good. I know that you are my Father and you do know what is best for me. I would have said that to Garren a thousand times as he grew up. I would have taught him what is right, even when he didn't like it, because I would know it's for his good.

Lord, let this be for my good. Even saying that feels so wrong. Any "good" that comes from losing Garren will never, ever justify losing him. I never want to say that there will be a reason good enough to be worth his life. But in the midst of this, would you bring good? Please Lord. Let me see the good. The beauty out of these ashes. Not to justify Garren's life, but to honor his life.

And Lord, be glorified in this. I don't understand why you didn't answer our prayers with "yes." I don't like that you didn't answer with "yes." But please be glorified. In saying that, I'm surrendering the doubt that's gripping my heart and the bitterness that's beginning to take root there. I know I'm going to need to say it to you over and over and over again. Because frankly, I want to think that I know best. I know that doesn't surprise you, Lord. In my heart I truly trust you, but in my selfishness and sinfulness I want to make the decisions. Even as I write that I know how childish that sounds. And I know how awful my life would be if I made the decisions. You do know best. Help me to trust that. Help me to trust you. Lord forgive me for my sinfulness and teach me to be satisfied knowing that you have all the answers, and I don't have to. Teach me to search long and hard for truths in your Word. And teach me to be okay with not having the answers to all the tough questions until we meet face to face. Teach me to pray again. And Lord, be glorified.

Will you hold Garren today and give him a kiss from me? Please tell him I wish we could be taking his 3 month picture today and marveling at how much he's grown. Please let him see how much I love him. Lord, let my heart never stop aching for him. Jay has such a great way of putting it. We want to heal, but we want a scar that will never go away. A scar that will be seen and felt forever. As painful as this journey is, I'm so grateful for the time we had with Garren. Thank you for entrusting him to us. He is such an incredible gift.

Lord, there is still so much pain in my heart and such a tendancy to doubt your love and your promises. Please hold me close and remind me of your love. Please remind me over and over and over again. "Prone to wander, Lord I feel it. Prone to leave the God I love. Here's my heart, Lord. Take and seal it. Seal it for Thy courts above."

Your Child,
Andrea

Happy Valentine's Day!

Hi Sweetie,

Daddy and I are thinking about you, maybe just a little more today than we usually do. It's Valentine's Day today. Instead of going out for a nice dinner like we did, we should have asked Daddy to bring home some pizza so we could all spend the evening together and get you to bed on time. Even though we went out and had a nice time, we thought about you and talked about you and missed you the whole time.

We love you so much Garren! We love you more and more every day. And we miss you more and more every day. Life is getting back into a routine and we want you to know that there will never be a day we won't think of you and miss you - no matter how busy we get.

You are our beautiful, precious son. We are so proud of you Garren! We love telling people all about you! We could never have asked for a more perfect son. You are more special and so much more loved than we know how to say.

Happy Valentine's Day Garren!

Love Always,
Mommy and Daddy

P.S. Thanks for the beautiful flowers! Daddy says they're from both of you     :-)

What a good time you'll have...

Garren,

Hey son, how are you?  I'm sure you're doing well.  It has to be amazing in Heaven.  I miss you.  I'm sorry I haven't written soon.  Sometimes it feels like time just keeps marching on and I'm caught unprepared.  I never feel like there is enough time in the day.

I went to a funeral yesterday.  But I'm sure you know that already.  It was for a very good friend of mine, my baseball coach when I was a little boy.  He was quite a man, larger than life really.  He was always smiling when I would see him, and full of good advice.  I remember how he used to pour himself into me and some of the other young men at our church.  He always loved and cared about us.  I may be getting into my 30's, but I can remember when I was 7-8 years old and we'd go to baseball practice and he'd be there and it was so much fun being out there with the other boys.  I always looked forward to playing baseball.  He was probably the best coach I've ever had.  Not because he was the best technician of the sport, but because he loved every one of us, and he made us all feel important.  I wanted to play better because I loved being there with him and with the other guys.  As I grew older, he never stopped caring about me and the man I was becoming.  I would do anything I could to help him or his family. 

I'm telling you this because I want you to find him there in Heaven, if he hasn't already found you.  You two can play a little game of catch.  Maybe he can show you how to throw a ball before I get there.  He can show you how to go hunting and fishing too.  But most importantly, you can praise God together.  Hopefully, Heaven helps people have perfect pitch, he might be making a joyful noise, but it may be off key a touch.  But even if he is off key, you two will have a great time.  Just look around you and see all the beauty there is around you.  I can't wait to see it myself.  I'm not sure when I'll get there, but I know that when I do, you two will be waiting there for me.  I can almost hear your voice in my head telling me all about the different things to do there, and how you want me to meet all your wonderful friends.

I miss you Garren, but you have the best coach, mentor, and friend to watch over you till I see you again.  I'm envious of everything you two will find to do around there.  Oh... What a good time you will have!

Anyway, I hope this letter finds you well.  I'd love to hear back from you sometime soon.  Just send your mom and I a line or two and let us know how you're doing.  I'll be talking with you soon.  Until then, just know I carry you in my heart every day, and I'm never far away.

I love you son,

Dad

Hope

Heavenly Father,

Several years ago, a pastor once said that in times of trial one should "rely on what you KNOW about God, not what you FEEL."

I feel completely broken-hearted that Garren is not here. I feel like a lost mother. I feel exposed and out of place and at the same time totally hidden and unnoticed. I feel angry. I'm so angry that Garren isn't here. I'm angry that I didn't have any warning signs to get to the hospital sooner. I'm angry that there weren't warning signs that something was wrong TWO DAYS before he was born while I was already at my doctor's office. I'm angry that I didn't have mother's intuition to get to the hospital in time to save Garren. I'm so angry that you didn't save Garren.

My life is usually, sinfully consumed with worrying what people think of me. I don't want to pretend in this. I do have stong faith in you, Lord. But I don't want to spend my energy appearing that I'm not hurting and angry about the valley you have us in. And yet, in the midst of the anger and utter disbelief that we are where we are, I have hope. And for that I'm so grateful.

I have hope because of what I KNOW about you.

I know you are sovereign. You are far greater than I can ever fathom. You are the creator and sustainer of the Universe - of which I know very very little. I know you have known me and Jay since before you created the world. I know you have known Garren since before creation too. I know that you are loving. You sent your only Son to die as payment for my sins, forgiving me so that I can have a restored relationship with you. I know you have given me your Spirit to convict me, comfort me, and guide me through life and especially through this valley. I know you are my Shepherd. I know you do all things for my good and your glory. It's hard to see how taking Garren is for my good. And I wish you had chosen to show your glory in some other way. But when I get to Heaven, I'm sure I'll understand. In any case, I know you are faithful. I have seen beautiful displays of your presence in our lives, through small things (like bulbs I planted last summer that are finally growing even though I haven't watered them since I planted them) to big things (like the overwhelming peace we have in your sovereignty).

Peace: not the absence of turmoil, but the presence of God. Peace. We have it. You're supplying it for us. Thank you!

Hope. We also have hope. Hope because we know we'll see Garren again. Hope because Jesus died to save us. Hope because we know Garren is safe in Heaven with you. What hope! Thank you that this isn't final. Thank you that your promises are true. Thank you for your Son. And thank you for my son. What a gift he is.

Thank you for beautiful songs that encourage us, like this one from BarlowGirl:

Hope Will Lead Us On

Rise up again
Shake off the shadows
Unlock the doors
And let hope live once more
'Cause up from the ashes
A fire is woken
'Cause those who were broken
Are becoming the chosen

Chorus:

So lift up your eyes
'Cause we're not forgotten
And hope will lead us on

Our hearts come alive
With every moment
Become the flame
That shows us the way

So sing out your freedom
Sing it out loud
'Cause though we are broken
We're becoming the chosen

Chorus:

So lift up your eyes
'Cause we're not forgotten
And hope will lead us on

Oh we pray for the dawn
And we reach for the morning
And hope will lead us on

Oh the day will come
As we press on
When the battles' won

Chorus:

So lift up your eyes
'Cause we're not forgotten
And hope will lead us on

So lift up your eyes
'Cause we're not forgotten
And hope will lead us on

Oh we pray for the dawn
And we reach for the morning
And hope will lead us on
And hope will lead us on
And hope will lead us on   

 

Thank you for hope. I love you, Lord. Thank you for showing me you're still here. Keep my eyes and heart open to see you. And help me to rely on what I KNOW about you, despite what I FEEL. Tell Garren how much I love him and miss him. Please give him a kiss for me.

 

Love,

Andrea

6 Weeks

Hi Sweetie,

I'm missing you today. Like every other day, I'm missing you. You've been away from me for 6 weeks already. It's been 6 weeks since I felt you kick and move around. It's been 6 weeks since I smiled in anticipation of your arrival. It's been 6 weeks since I felt the fear of going into surgery, knowing I might not wake up with you in my arms. I'm so grateful that I had time in the hospital with you. I cherish every second that I had holding you, kissing you, studying your sweet, perfect body. But every Saturday marks another week. Another week has gone by that I haven't kissed you or held you or rocked you like a Mommy should.

It feels like the weeks have passed so quickly. I wish time would slow down so that I could stay a little closer to you. I know that seems strange because I know you're in Heaven with Jesus and I'm actually getting closer to you every day.

Daddy went back to work a few weeks ago. Our friends have been so nice in coming to visit me while he's at work and spending time with us on the weekends when he's home too. And so many people have given us meals to eat, so we don't have to worry about that right now. While Daddy has been at work, I've tried to put together a few photo books with pictures of you to give to our families. I've found several other blogs to read and have learned about other families who have sons and daughters in Heaven, maybe you've already met some of those little ones!

The days just pass by. It all feels so wrong, Garren. We shouldn't have people bringing meals. We shouldn't have visitors coming to help us grieve. We shouldn't have books about grieving sitting in our living room, on our coffee table. I shouldn't have a stack of 'thank you' notes to write to people who've done so much for us - from the hospital staff, to our church, our family, our friends, people we've never met who've reached out to us and everyone in between. I shouldn't be making photo books of your pictures - the finite number of pictures we have of you. The books should be of your 1 month, 2 month, 3 month pictures as you grow. Your room shouldn't be clean. The house shouldn't be quiet. I shouldn't be doing laundry only once a week. I shouldn't find myself telling people we had a good day, and in the same sentence mention that we visited your cemetary and got information on ordering a marker for you. It feels so wrong.

I'm grateful beyond words for everything people are doing for us. But I just wish they didn't have to.

Rusty has been the sweetest thing since you've been gone. He always loved snuggling with us when you were here with me, but now he snuggles with me a little longer when he knows I'm feeling extra sad. I think he misses you too. He would have loved to have you chase him around the yard when you learned to walk and then run. I hope you have some doggies to play with in Heaven. Maybe Lady and Tramp and Trixie are there with you. It might seem silly Garren, but I really hope so.

I just wanted to tell you what we've been up to for the last few weeks. Not much really. We've just been missing you and somehow in the midst of that, the days go by. I wish with everything I am that you were here. I love you so much Garren! I miss you! See you later, alligator.....

Love You Forever,
Mommy

P.S. Will you ask God to show me that He's here? I'm having trouble seeing Him today.

The New Normal

Dear God,

This path that you've asked us to walk is difficult. I'm struggling today, God. I'm hurting. The strange part about how I feel is that I can hardly put words to it. I've been trying all week to write down Garren's story, this new part of my story and Jay's story. You know that more than once in my life I've been told I have a tendency to talk too much. Why is it that I can't find words anymore? Why do the words that I know, the language that I speak not capture the depth of longing I have for Garren to be here and the hurt that I feel each day without him? I never want to forget the experience of carrying Garren or the feeling of holding him in my arms. When I try to write down those feelings, I get so lost. Lord, I think I'm learning that having Garren, holding him, being blessed to be his Mommy even for a little while in this life is such a profoundly incredible gift that there truly are no words to decribe its greatness.

Maybe there are no words to use because it shows how deeply wrong death is. I know that you have sorrow over death and weep with us in our sorrow. And at the same time, you comfort us with such love and compassion. I feel your comfort. I feel your peace. Others have suggested to us to keep a list of your faithfulness as we walk in this valley. What a gift that has been! You are faithful and my pain is no measure of that faithfulness!

Lord, you know I chuckled the other night when we read Your Word. I shouldn't be surprised at how perfectly and intimately you know me. You knew I was struggling with the idea of going through trials and the depth of the trial you're asking us to go through. It was as if you sat with us at our dinner table hearing all I was saying to Jay. And then when I was finally quiet after we finished eating, you spoke directly to me through our Charles Stanley daily devotional over James 1:2-4 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." Thank you for that reminder. Thank you for telling me to have an eternal perspective. Thank you for telling me to have joy, only found through Your Spirit. And thank you for allowing me to hurt. You never said trials wouldn't hurt. It's humbling to know that you hurt with me.

This "new normal" is no fun, God. Day-to-day things that I've always done seem the same. And that's the problem. My heart and soul feel so completely different, yet waking up, getting dressed, running errands, just living life appear the same as they always have. Jay has gone back to work, we've gone back to church. I'll soon go back to my weekly Bible Study and go back to work myself. My routine will feel just like it did a year ago. I hate that. I hate thinking that life just goes on. I know I will never forget Garren and I will miss him and ache for him every day for the rest of my life, but I hate that I have to do all these "normal" things in life. I know it will get easier to do these things. Today it's just plain hard.

Lord, please continue to give me your strength, comfort and guidance as we walk this path. Thank you for your grace. Thank you for loving me enough to save me. And thank you for loving me so much that you promise to never leave me. Thank you for loving me so much that you promise your peace, everlasting peace. Thank you for loving Garren and holding him in your arms. As much as, in my humanness, I would rather have him here I know he couldn't be any place better than in your presence. I love you, Lord. Please tell Garren I love him too.

Love,
Andrea

I remember...

It was one month ago... Right about this time in the morning when I was sitting up in a hospital chair holding you close to my chest. There were a lot of people around us that night. Holding me, holding you,asking about your mom. It all just happened so fast. In fact, it happened so fast that it's hard to know where to start or how to explain it all. Two days just merged into one.

Garren, when I saw you for the first time my whole life changed. There you were, perfect in nearly every way. You had your mom's nose and lips, but you had my eyes and crazy hair. You had your little blue and pink beanie on and you were swaddled up in a blanket. Your beautiful cheeks were warm and full of color as I pulled you up underneath my neck and chin. Just feeling in my arms was something I had been dreaming about for 9 months now. My son, my handsome and incredible son. That's a memory I'll never forget. It's bittersweet.

I have had a very difficult time sleeping these past few weeks. Not because I'm not at peace or because I'm needing answers. I don't sleep well these nights because I see you in my sleep nearly every night and I wake up missing you so deeply. I miss you so much. I think back on the days when your mom and I would watch Notre Dame play and I would sing you the fight song in your mother's womb. You would kick and move all over the place. I started to dream about your future and what things you would achieve in life. I dreamt that you and I could watch Notre Dame football games together, go hiking with the guys at church, do some camping together, see a few movies, or just talk life, give you a hug when you had a bad day, or watch you ride a bike for the first time, play a game of catch, or see you grow up loving God and getting married to a God loving girl. I just dreamed of life with you, and now I live days without you. I waited 9 months for life to change, and it did! Just not the way I wanted.

Son, I know you're in heaven and Jesus is looking after you. You have the best Heavenly Father! I'm so thankful for that. But your daddy just misses you tonight. I love you Garren! I will always love you. I hope you are sleeping well in the arms of Jesus. Lets hope I get some sleep too.

Garren James

To My Precious Garren,

Today is December 30th. This is the date I must have said a thousand times when people asked me when you would arrive. How eagerly we all looked forward to this date! How eagerly we all looked forward to YOU! We had plans. We had dreams. We had expectations. Every thought of coming days, weeks, months and years as far as we could imagine had sweet little you in every picture. We never really knew if you'd come early, late or right on time, but we surely didn't expect to have so little time with you.

I have so many things I want to say to you. I don't know how to begin anywhere but at "I love you." Garren, these words don't seem to say even a little bit of how much Daddy and I love you. There aren't words to say it. Daddy always says, "I love you to the moon and all the way back down to the dirt." Maybe that describes it a little better, because that must be a lot. I think we'll spend our lifetimes trying to tell you and show you how much we love you. We think about you every day. We pray that Jesus would hold you in His arms and tell you His love, but also our love for you.

You are such a special boy Garren! It is amazing to see how you have changed so many lives. Of course you changed my life and Daddy's life, but God chose you to make a beautiful and profound difference in so many other people's lives too.

Garren, we miss you. I miss you. I miss the feeling of eagerly awaiting your arrival. I miss reading books to help me and Daddy care for you, and keep you safe, and teach you and even discipline you. I miss carefully thinking about what I eat to make sure it's good for you and going to help you grow big and strong. I miss taking pictures on Sunday afternoons, keeping track of how much you've grown (and how much I've grown) over the weeks. I miss feeling your little body moving and stretching and rolling inside my tummy. I miss imagining who you'll look like. I miss arguing with Daddy about what color your hair will be. Turns out we were both right. Daddy said red, I said blonde. And you have the softest, most beautiful strawberry blonde hair we've ever seen. I miss taking walks and planning for the days when you, Rusty and me would grab the stroller and some dog toys and head to the park. I miss thinking about Sunday afternoons with you at Grandpa and Grandma's house, playing with your cousins as you got older. I miss thinking about family vacations with you there. I miss holding you. I miss rocking you. I miss feeling your soft hair. I miss your beautiful face. I miss your long fingers and toes that look just like mine. I miss your long eye lashes that look just like Daddy's. I miss kissing your sweet, sweet face. I miss singing to you. I miss just looking at you. I just miss YOU.

Sometimes it feels like I get farther from you with every day that goes by. But really, every day that passes gets me a little closer to seeing you again. And Garren, I am SO EAGER for that day! You are our sweet, wonderful son and our greatest blessing from God. We love you more than we know how to say. See you later, alligator.

Love you forever,
Mommy and Daddy